Monday, August 19, 2019

Loose Shoes (2019)

Loose Shoes
(2019, Bomb Record) 


Are you fucking kidding me? I have to do this shit again? 

Welcome to the THIRD release from Cash Rivers and the Sinners. Now I say third release, but really, it's the FOURTH release if you count (and you should) Cash Rivers' solo 7'' She Laughed I Left. Already, I can tell my mind is a warped pile of gelatinous gloop because I have just referred to Cash Rivers as if he were a real person.

Fortunately, he's not. However, I'm sure we all know someone like Cash Rivers, and luckily, like these extremely limited releases, they hopefully rarely make it into your home. 

With that said, let's dive into the (alleged) LAST album from Cash Rivers and the Sinners. I know I said the same thing with the rather incredible double LP Do Not Try to Adjust Your Set I Am the Horizontal and Vertical. I only say “last”, because that's what camp Rockathon had said before announcing this limited slab. In the world of Cash Rivers, things are never as they seem.

Marketed as a bootleg record, this collection of 32 "songs" in 27 minutes is reportedly all the leftovers of Cash and his Sinners. Now, if I may get out of fantasy land for a minute, Pollard and gang had originally planned for a CD box set of all Cash Rivers tracks, including this very bonus material. Instead, the good people at Rockathon pulled the plug on the idea and released this ultra limited LP (500 to be exact), to drive the collectors up a wall once again, and pump more Pollard drunken comedy into the world at inflated 3rd party prices. 

Are we better for it? At this point, fuck it, yeah sure? Is this good? No. Is it better than Blue Balls Lincoln? Maybe? Listen to this as a whole while munchin' on LSD and freebasing corndogs. 

In conclusion, stick a fork in Cash. He's fuckin' done. 

On with the show. 

SIDE A: 
See Alice- 3 Did I laugh? Yes. Again, like Do Not Try To Adjust... why does this sound so good? A real boner of track. That streamboat at the end kills!

Shemaho- 1 Street-walkin' cock rock straight out of the '80s. You know this stinks when the shining moment comes courtesy of eagle screeching sound effects complimented with neighing horse accompaniment. 

What?- 2 So incredibly stupid that I continued to sit on my couch laughing at how fucking stupid this was, while reaching for my beer. Another step closer to hip-hop territory for Pollard. 

2 Fisted Drinker- The "Tacoma intro" is worth price of admission. The rest is complete nothing, as Pollard Rivers repeats the title over a Bonanza type rodeo jam.

Wanna Do a Shot?- 4 Busted a gut. There's completely fucking ridiculous and then there's this. Comedy meets bar metal. 

Better About Myself- 1 So stupid I wanna cry. 

Party Hearty- 1 Did I already write the line "so stupid I wanna cry"? Yes... yes I did. Well, this is worse. 

White Wine Woman, Red Wine Man- A rootin-tootin good time. Cowboy bar rock that sounds tooooo real. Good for a quick chuckle and then best left on the shelf to be forgotten. Nearly a real song at 2 minutes, this one even sports a freakin' bridge! 

We've All Been Drinking- A '90s alternative throwback, could've been an updated theme for a sitcom, perhaps Cheers? Oddly catchy slack rock 

9:49- Clap and stomp bar chant pumps out of the speakers courtesy of a head-in-the-toilet Cash Rivers. This song makes me realize that my willpower is for shit, because I find this song funny. 

Green Beans- 1 Speaking of crap... this maybe be the most steaming pile of it on the record thus far. 

No Prob Limo- 1 Stupid promo track... can you call this a track? 

Tickle and a Twenty- 3 Fuck, Pollard really wrote a catchy goddamn tune here. Tex-Mex countrefried goodness. Really lacking in the lyric department, but this has sing-a-long potential. Damn if my toes weren't tapping. 

Two and a Half Tanks- 1 Piano nonsense at under 20 seconds. What? 

Buzz Clip- 1 I'm not laughing, I'm crying, and not because I'm laughing. About 12 seconds long. 

Brown Bottle Flu- 1 I don't understand this.... get me another beer. 

Better 2- Alright! A 5 SECOND reprise of the song "Better About Myself." Did you need this in your life? Well, too fucking bad. At this point, I've already typed WAAAAYYYY more than this song deserves. Again, it's 5 seconds long. Still typing....  I can type forever... 

Out- 1 But I won't, because I have to move onto the track "Out." I've come here to say this is all spoken word and it stinks! Goodbye. 


SIDE B:
Dick In a Knot4 Thankfully, a new Pollard... I mean Cash (forgive me Mr. Pollard), has given us a classic to one day lie in our graves with. Okay, really though, this symphonic motherfolker is one catchy bleepin' tune. And to say nothing of the autotuned laughter and boner noises? 

Bobby Bare Promo- Country music legend Bobby Bare returns from his spoken word appearance on the last record to put his name on new low. 

Holding Hands With Barry Gibb- 3 Rhyming "Barry Gibb" with "very glib" has gotta be worth something? Right? 

SORM- 1 I honestly don't know... fill me in. 

Walking on Clown Shoes- 3 When complete stupidity becomes genius... it cracked me up. And don't it feel good? (originally written by Katrina and the Waves).

Feels Good To Be Loved- 1 What the stink is this? ... best part is the argumentative outro. How often can you say that? 

Athman- A classic lisp track "Athman" is. Subpar garage rock with "ath" jokes dragged through the mud. 

Sundown- 1 Woof! Oh hey! That's a nice little double guitar part. 

Too Much Makeup- 1 Drunk ranting that leads into... 

The Funky Mummy- 1 ... the same spoken drunken ranting over skeletal "hip-hop" drum loop. The Chick Corea reference is good enough for a smirk. 

She's Got Fingers- 1 Piano smashing with Pollard singing about fingers in the time it takes you to let out 3 good sneezes. The fuck? 

She's a Lesbian Now- 2 Almost a song, almost funny... How is it that a song called "She's a Lesbian Now" is a breath of fresh air in the complete massacre that is Side 2 of this record? 

God's Toe Nail- Swingin' no-fi doo-wop that leads absolutely nowhere. 

Strong Lion [Cash version]- 4 Incredible undone-bowtie-Sinatra-karaoke version of song written by a guy named Robert Pollard, complete with befuddled big band backing and all. A small triumph, but yet, a complete wreck, much like this whole fucking slab of wax. 








2 comments:

  1. Thanks for reviewing this and sorry you had to. I just knew 'Do Not Try To Adjust Your Set I Am The Horizontal And The Vertical' was going to be Cash Rivers' piece de resistance and most likely the only one I'll ever buy. Speaking of which, there were too many recycled gags from that album taking up what little time there was on this one. I can hear those same joke's and listen to more and better songs on 'Do Not Try'.

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